My Stuggle with Suicidal Thoughts

I will never forget the night my mother said this to me... "Jael, I've noticed you've been quite of late. What's wrong?" Not her exact words but something similar and in Kalenjin(my native language). 

 Growing up, my mother always had us all in the living room after taking our supper for a short bible reading session and a prayer, these were the times she would do some sort of house keeping by addressing different issues in the family.  She still does that till date. I used to hate them a lot but I now see what it did to us as a family. 

 So, a few days before that, I cannot exactly remember what happened but I was mad at my parents for something they did, or something they did not do. I ended up going to our farm down hill where we have a borehole and contemplated jumping in but I some how went for the tall grass around. I burried my face in the grass, tightly grasped a bunch of it with my hands and let out I silent scream. I let go of the grass seconds later, cried for some few minutes then feched water from the borehole to rinse the tears off my face and went back home.

 It wasn't until I did a course in counselling psychology that I realised that I was showing some signs of depression during that period. 

I felt like there was no reason for me to continue living specifically because I did not feel any love from my parents and I did not feel seen by them. 

 I was a sad teenager growing up. I had a lot of bitterness towards my parents and I felt like they never understood me. I craved their love, I wanted to be seen and I wanted to be appreciated... not everyday, at least once in a while.

 I had so much going on in my life and part of it I believe was contributed by me being a first born with a number of responsibilities on top of all the identity crisis that happens during the adolescence stage. 

Come to think of it, I did not only resent my parents but I was also resentful towards my siblings because I felt like my parents were more linient towards them compared to me.  I now do not hold anything against them, both my parent and my siblings. I addressed that in therapy last year and I would recommend the same to anyone.

You can clearly tell that I was a mess, and in therapy, my therapist had me sit with my parents especially my dad and talk about his up bringing. She argued that our parents are the way they are because of their upbringing. I had that conversation with my dad and.... eh! I should tell the story some other time.

The hard part about trying to understand your parents is the fact that you'll never bring yourself to tell them to try therapy. They do not even believe in it, and if they do, they would not want to give in to going for the sessions. Especially fathers. Fathers born in the 1980s and back. No, maybe mothers would.

 So, suicidal thoughts never really disappeared. I've struggled with them for a while now. They never fully go away, you just find ways to deal with them, and the best way is to have protective factors ‐these are the things that you do to reduce the chances of you attempting or committing suicide. 

 I once in a while think of death as a way out but I never give it a lot of thought or any attention. I've done a lot of work to help reduce it's frequency. I am now more resilient, more optimistic towards life, I am a part of different organisations that gives me a sense of purpose, and my relationship with God is not as bad. I practice self care, I affirm myself more and I make decisions accordingly. 

 I plan on going for therapy to get more help, but I feel like I already addressed it the way it should be addressed. Plus the therapy sessions I had last year helped a lot. 

 Now I can say that, I am no longer struggling and I am out here trying to offer help to anyone struggling and I am blessed I get to do it as a proffesion.

 Love and hugs❤️