My Imagined Marriage...

 

Source: The inner world, Google

What happens when the thought of giving marriage a chance crosses your mind? Especially in this day and age where a big percentage of people are opting not to get into it. 

What really happens in marriage? I grew up watching my parent's marriage and it's nothing compared to marriages today. The circumstances are different. There's the high cost of living, there's the high chances of getting divorced at some point and then there's a future that is unpredictable.

My parents got married in the 90s. There were little to no stress about getting married and having kids. Most individuals had access to basic things like food, shelter and clothing even though not of a good standard, but atleast they had it. I mean, most of my parents' age mates owned big acres of land, most of them did farming and helped a lot with substituting that one source of income ( atleast in my case).

Today, we have little access to these things and we're in an era that dictates life styles and prefers high standards of living. It's not an era that you appreciate existing in anything lower than a middle-upper class. Interestingly, here in kenya, being in the middle-upper class basically means that you can afford good, I mean GOOD basic needs. Not luxurious ones. Your type of average, your type of "at least I have near-unlimited access to them". Living anything below that is a nightmare. 

The difference between my parent's marriage and my imagined marriage is... first, it'll be a two income household. I'm definitely not going to depend on no womans son, thank you. Secondly, my imagined marriage looks uncertain(of course), like what the fuck do people do in marriages? 'Legal' and unlimited sex, reproduction, making money together, and living life together? 

Is it worth it?

I hear there are a number of fights in there, disagreements, high-level challenges like a family member getting sick, going broke, addictions... anything bad you could ever think of (I am not going to mention the worst of the worst, yes Death!) 

Marriage doesn't even scare me, pregnancy does. 

I most of the time look at my mother who gave birth to five of us and I'm always like eh? How did you manage to do all that? Fiveee? My Grandmother has eleven kids... yes Eleven, 11. 

That's like 9months times eleven times, and a life time of worry. My mum literally calls me almost everyday to check if everything is okay with me. She almost always knows when I am not okay and almost always knows what to say when I need her input on anything.

Will I ever reach the standard that she has set? How or where do I even start to become a mother? It doesn't make any sense. I most of the time think I am not ready for any on these, either marriage, motherhood or pregnancy. I'm just a girl please. 

However....

They say it's easier when money is involved. Especially, when the woman has her own money. It's my mom's theory. She keeps telling me never to get into marriage or have kids when I do not have money of my own. I am okay with that, but my problem is...

HOW MUCH MONEY IS ENOUGH MONEY? 

At the rate which I am going, if I keep saying I am not ready for marriage and motherhood because of money, I'm probably never going to get married or get pregnant. 

Plus, I have a little problem with the living standard issue I talked about earlier. I am now living(probably) slightly above the poverty line. At least I can put food on my table (a table that I do not have, someone gift me one), let's say I can put food on my hands. I can afford a good place to peacefully exist in (esp on weekends), and I can dress well... not my type of fashion, but at least my body is well covered. 

My ideal life style is insane, I do not even want to describe it here and to think that I might not get to live this kind of lifestyle that I envision is just..... I don't know, wild? 

What if my imagined marriage and motherhood wouldn't let me reach my highest level of self with my envisioned life-style? 

And is this even a good time to talk about what would happen if I chose not to get married and have kids? 

Life is Interesting, and I am here for the fun part of it (the fun part is always in my head/mind), the reality is the real getto.

Well...