Inherited and generational Grief

It is crazy to think about how grief can be inherited, just like trauma. This is definitely an interesting topic that I've been thinking about, and I have done a lot of reading around it.

 I know we've all heard the phrase It ends with us. Most of us even read the book It Ends with us by Colleen Hoover(very amazing book, would recommend). We have also heard about generational trauma, which many therapists and counselors talk about here and all over the world. Back in school, one of our core units in my first semester talked about the different factors that influence us, our personalities, and character. The most common obvious answer was always nature and nurture: genetic inheritance (nature) versus environmental factors(nurture). The two play a big part in who we are today and who we become.

So, generational and inherited grief?

This type of grief, just like generational trauma, is not a grief that we experience firsthand. It is unprocessed grief that our parents, their parents, and their parents' parents experienced. It can be loss in different forms like loss through death, tangible loss, and psychological loss, among others, which can be passed down from one generation to another.

When we emphasise that it ends with us, we put in the work to process our grief and trauma. We put in the work to heal so that our children and their children do not struggle to heal from our pain. 

How does the grief and trauma pass down to the next generation? I found this mind-blowing... (I extracted this part from ChatGPT because it explains it so well)

"Grief does not disappear simply because it is ignored. When it is not acknowledged or processed, it settles into the fabric of a family. It reshapes communication, attachment, and emotional expression — often without anyone realizing it.

Grief is passed down through silence. When painful losses are never spoken about, children grow up sensing tension but lacking the language to express it. They inherit the emotional weight without understanding its origin.

It is also passed down through parenting patterns. A parent shaped by loss may become emotionally distant, overprotective, controlling, or fearful. These responses, formed as survival mechanisms, become the emotional climate children grow up in.

Belief systems carry grief too. Messages like “be strong,” “don’t cry,” or “endure no matter what” often emerge from unprocessed pain. Over time, these beliefs teach the next generation to suppress rather than feel.

Even the body remembers. Chronic stress and trauma can influence how families respond to fear, conflict, and intimacy. Children may inherit heightened anxiety or hypervigilance without ever experiencing the original loss themselves.

In this way, grief travels — not as a story clearly told, but as patterns lived out. What was never healed becomes inherited, until someone chooses to name it and begin the work of breaking the cycle".

The inspiration for this piece came from a recent read, Bittersweet by Susan Cain, where in the final chapter she explores inherited grief and references the ancient proverb: “The fathers have eaten sour grapes, and the children’s teeth are set on edge.” 

There is also something bigger that I think intensified these losses and trauma from the past generations.

Patriarchy!

Patriarchy, in my POV, caused a lot of pain to the generations that existed before us. It still does, but not so much. Patriarchy dictated what men, women, and children would do. It dictated rigid roles for men, women, and children. Men were expected to toughen up and suppress vulnerability, while women and children were required to obey without questioning. It shaped what could be spoken about and what was pushed into silence: early marriages, gender-based violence, marital abuse, and the expectation that men must always “step up”.  Women, for example, lost identity. Many women today struggle with identity because our identity for a long time was tied to kids and marriage.

This here is the reason why we have feminists. Since patriarchy affected both genders, women were the ones who were affected more.

ChatGPT says; Patriachy created loss, generational grief carried that loss forward, and feminism is one of the ways women began to fight back and heal. They say patriarchy is a system that dictates, and I think this system was just men who wanted to benefit more(Please don't come for me, sijui kubishana na watu). Women have also historically participated in sustaining patriarchal systems, often shaped by cultural expectations and survival within those same structures.

Grief and trauma shape family dynamics. Either personal grief or collective grief. After reading this, I hope you now have a clear picture of what inherited grief is, and you will start examining yourself so that you can stop shit from being passed down to your kids.

IT ENDS WITH US!

I honestly feel like I didn't explain this perfectly, partly because this is a huge topic that can't fit in one blog post, but I will try to write more about it. 

What are your thoughts?