12AM Sick Thoughts

 I never thought I would stay up till late just thinking about everything and nothing. I used to be a 3am club member but life went well and my 3am demons died or I think they left me (literally) in peace. 

It's been a good ride since then, but now I am here. Are the demons back? Probably not because I think this time it's me keeping myself up all night or maybe till late at night. I am the root of the problem, I am not blaming my inner demons this time.

I am in that season where my life is seemingly slowing down and the major reason is because I am home most of the time and I do not have any project or job that is keeping my mind busy. It's actually today that I read something about the body not wanting to rest as some kind of trauma response and let me just quote that line here;

Feeling the need to be busy all the time is a trauma response and fear based distraction from what you'd be forced to acknowledge and feel if you slowed down~ unknown

 That right there is what I recently discovered about myself. Being productive makes me happy and keeps me sane and also productivity means I was or I am busy somewhere. Mimi I am looking forward to a time when I will get out of the house probably at 7am and be back by 5am. I am looking forward to days when my calendar will be full of to-do lists that are even doable and the ones that make sense. I know this is a sick way of thinking but don't worry, I have that work-life balance book(or is it work-life brilliance?) I don't know, I will pass that bridge when I get there.

My to-do list today sounds like 'wake up, exist, and go back to sleep'. I feel like I am currently living on autopilot. I would say I am experiencing a life crisis but I feel like my whole life as an adult has been on what I would call an adult-life crisis( ata sija breathe vizuri tangu ni turn 18yrs). 

So, my autopilot season feels like, as long as I am breathing, that's more than enough. I do not even struggle to make decisions and to do things as my normal self would do. I am not scared of missing out on events and on friendships as I should which I think is somehow a a good thing. This season also has a lot of overthinking and laziness.

Yes, laziness, overthinking, and procrastination. Someone, please gift me some anointing oil that works for procrastination. In as much as I do not have a job currently, I have a number of things that I know I can work on that will either turn into an income-generating thing or will open doors for better jobs but procrastination is who? 

Before you throw stones at me for being jobless and lazy at the same time, please note that I am working on myself, and I am hopeful that I will change. But whoever decided that the three can co-exist together in one person was not fair cos why?

Back to my issue of wanting to be busy all the time, also note that I am aware of it and I am going to talk to myself about it and see where this trauma is coming from. It should be trauma from the future because nothing is more painful than thinking or just imagining that you might never make it in life. Like you might never reach your goals or live the life that you envision yourself in. The thought alone is disturbing.

Hee! I am not about to write a book, so here is my 3am sick thoughts.