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Maybe surviving is winning...

It's been six months now since I moved to Eldoret from Nairobi. I expected several changes in all aspects of my life, but not this extreme level of change. The fact that I am still sane and alive tells it all. I was always the type of person who is scared of change. I still hate change (which always amounts to growth), and I would do anything not to cross paths with it. 
Source: Google; Fine Art America 

I always desire growth, but I am not a fan of the process that we are supposed to go through to achieve it. I am even a big pursuer of high levels of growth especially growth in all aspects, in all aspects I mean mentally, spiritually, emotionally, financially, and even character-wise. This level of growth, from my POV, can be explained with the analogy of how gold is refined and purified by fire.

Eldoret is a near-beautiful town(soon to be a city). It feels more like home than Nairobi, one is because my parent's house is not far away from town, I can always travel anytime and make it back to work on time the following morning. Two, Eldoret has a lot of Kalenjin-speaking people, unlike Nairobi where the majority of people speak in Kikuyu, that is where I lived for close to 15 years that I lived in Nrb.

Eldoret has several beautiful places and spaces that I am yet to go to. I am planning to tour a place at a time starting this month. So far I haven't heard of cool places like Karura Forest or Oloolua nature trail. I also haven't heard of any hiking destinations like Ngong Hills. I have only heard of places with beautiful waterfalls, good resorts, and beautiful restaurants. There's an arboretum a kilometer away from town that I have been planning to try out but it's been raining a lot in Eldoret. 

Part of my survival strategy in this town was to find communities that I could be part of and ones that I could build new friendships since I left 95% of my friends in Nairobi. First, making new friends as an adult is a hustle let's just admit that. Secondly, finding friends who you share the same values is another hustle. I am trying to be intentional with the type of friends that I make.

So, last week I found a girl's bible group on IG that was planning to have a hangout on Saturday and I decided to try it out. I had nobody that I knew that was going to be there but I went anyway. The ladies who showed up for that hangout were just amazing humans. I felt at home with them, and the place where we met just made the whole meet-up fun and a type of weekend getaway even if it was for a few hours. 

You know a group is your type of group when they talk about the things that you are passionate about. We talked about topics ranging from therapy, not being a perfect Christian, the use of affirmations, having a gratitude jar, and how most of us were struggling with making friends, and the struggle of being consistent with reading the bible, going to church and even trusting God. Apart from that, I have tried to be part of a number of organizations here in Eldoret, I haven't gotten to that period of making friends with them but I'm still taking it slow. 

About God and salvation, (please don't come for me for saying this); It's hard you all. I do not know how people keep up with it but I personally find it hard. I had a fallout with all these spiritual commitments two years ago, something that was common with the girls I met with last Saturday. Before falling out, I felt like God was not answering the very important prayers that I had been trusting him for. I had built a grudge, that grew to be so big that I randomly decided that I was done with trying to have him come through for me.

Two years later, I am here trying to rebuild that relationship with him. I still have many fallouts, I still fail every day, and I never live up to what is expected of me but I also keep trying to stand up and fully put my trust in him. DOES IT HAVE TO BE A STRUGGLE THOUGH?? Why do I have to struggle to survive in everything that I do? smh...

One of the notable changes since I moved is my capability to face my fears. I have faced too many things that I was scared of facing to an extent that I am not as scared of things happening against my wish anymore. One of the mantras that has helped me during this season is; what is the worst thing that can happen? For me, there are three worst things that could happen to me and I am no longer scared of them;

1. Death; Six feet under is definitely the worst thing that could happen to anyone but in my view, it could be the best thing that could happen to anyone because at least there's no struggling and sweating for survival in the grave. Death is a place of rest.

2. Prison; Again, prison could be the worst place to live in, I can imagine the number of rights that are taken away from you when you are in it. My optimistic self however says that at least with being imprisoned you do not have to struggle to pay bills and all that because you're given free food, shelter, and education, buuut there is a lot of trying to survive there. I don't know how the Kenyan prisons but have you heard of the Norwegian prisons?

3. Being Jobless; This is part of the things that would threaten my existence here on earth. I am not always good for my mental health when I have nothing to look forward to in a day. Survival mode is always activated when you are jobless bana. The only thing that I can do when I lose my job today is move back to my parent's house and maybe pursue my nonexistent passion in farming.


So, when I think about the worst things that could happen, I think about the three things and since I am not scared of them and there is little to no chance that they could happen, I go about my day facing all my fears and hard times like a pro.

I also realized that there are two types of growth, you can e
ither grow in a good or bad way, and let me focus on the negative. I have grown into an unbothered human being, I know it should be a good thing but allow me to categorize it as bad. Being unbothered is good but I feel like it births ignorance and Ignorance is not part of a virtue that I wish to live by. 

In as much as I am loving the growth here, I am also aware and afraid that I might grow into becoming a version of myself that I do not like. Yes, I am proud of myself for surviving,
and yes, surviving might be winning but at what cost?



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